Grieving while growing

Now forgive me with my timelines being a bit all over the place …not writing for some time certainly messed up the order of things.

With October being pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and the due date of our first baby approaching, Nick and I decided we were going to do something to honor our first baby.

Surprisingly, there were quite a few events going on around us. What made me really happy was that it was Nick who found the event and shared it with me. As always, knowing he still grieved our first baby made me feel less alone and more of a team.

We chose to go to a remembrance walk and butterfly release event. It was the second time this event was held, and it was truly a beautiful experience. Nick and I had absolutely no idea what to expect but we figured we’d give it a try.

It was located right on the water at Magic Island and it was such a gorgeous area. Walking up to sign in, I took in all the people there and I was happily surprised. I saw families, husbands, children, and other pregnant bellies. People were there with homemade shirts and pictures of their lost babies. Now seeing those shirts and pictures obviously didn’t make me happy, but seeing the support systems and acknowledgment of those losses did. I felt like we really belonged to this community.

The event started with the women who organized it sharing their stories and it was truly heartbreaking. Even though Nick and I went through our own loss and experienced it differently, we were still about to relate to these other families.

Next was the butterfly release. The butterflies were used to symbolized healing and letting go of your pain. And it did. There was something so beautiful about standing under this giant tree and watching all our butterflies fly around. It made me feel hopeful in a way.

Then we walked over to the water, said some words in the silence of our minds and tossed flower petals into the ocean. Again, this was another way of releasing that build up pain and sadness.

Finally, we went for a walk as a group around the marked track.

Nick and I didn’t really mingle with anymore, we were more there for ourselves, but being in the middle of a large group of people who knew our pain was comforting.

It felt necessary to do something to honor our first baby, especially with all the attention this new pregnancy was getting now that we finally went public. As always, I wanted to make sure no one forgot about our first pregnancy, but it was also important to me that Nick and I could still grieve when we felt we needed to and this was a part of that.

There was also something special about being pregnant and having this new baby with us at the event. Without a doubt, this baby is going to know that it had an older sibling and it’s special to me that she was able to be there for an event that honored her sibling. I also decided that I would wear this black and white striped shirt to the event which is symbolic to me and this first pregnancy. In that shirt, I told my best friend Katie I was pregnant and sent a picture to Claire and our mom of my little bloated belly. Now I was pregnant with mine and Nicks’s second baby wearing the same shirt and it felt kind of full circle to me.

Overall, the day was very emotional but very sweet and again it was something that brought Nick and me closer together. It also made me a little less nervous knowing the first baby’s due date was around the corner because I knew I had Nick to help get me through it.

Grieving while growing a different baby is not easy. It comes with a whole heap of emotions, especially guilt, but it certainly was something I am really thankful Nick and I chose to do together.