Testing 1, 2, 3

Three failed tests. Monday, Friday, Sunday. All negative.

Fuck.

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Are we trying? Yes and no I guess. We lost our baby towards the end of April and weren’t allowed to have sex until the second(ish) week of May. But conceiving again was the last thing on our minds. And then somewhere that changed. I want a baby, Nick wants a baby. We want to make a family and to be happy. I wasn’t looking at my ovulation days and studying calendars, it was more of once my period ended, we kind of just went for it and figured lets see what happens. ____________________________________________________________

Do I have symptoms, yes and no. I mean, my period is late. Three days late. No period symptoms besides some acne which is new for me. Pregnancy symptoms though – spurts of exhaustion and nausea but that could also be accredited to my tardy period too.

I decided to take a test Monday to soften the blow of my period coming. I knew it was too soon to tell if I was pregnant but I did it anyway. I used a First Response, pink dye. Negative.

Friday my period hadn’t started and I was curious. With no cramps or anything, I decided to take another test. I sat and waited to see how many lines would show up. One. Negative. I threw it right in the trash.

An hour later, I went back into that bathroom to look at it again. “Nick, come here please!” I yelled in a hurried voice. “Do you see anything?” Nick held the test up to the light, “Ehh, I kinda see what you’re talking about.”

There was the faintest line possible. And I know what people say, a faint line is still a line. But really, I felt in my heart I wasn’t pregnant. Or that if I was, it wouldn’t stick. This test, I should add, was a Clear Blue, blue ink.

I decided to reach out to the “Trying to conceive after a miscarriage” Facebook support page. When I had rechecked that test today, two days after taking it, the line was still faint but more visible. Is that a thing?! Can the test show a clearer sign after a day or two?! I have seen people post about “evaporation lines” on the page too …is that what was going on? So I posted a picture of the test and reached out to these women to get their opinions.

What is really disappointing is that these women all know how it feels to lose a pregnancy/baby and most likely to have a negative result before. And some of them were blunt as fuck.

“This looks negative to me. Sorry.”

“Invalid, evap at that point…”

“Invalid, doesn’t count.”

Yes, I did put myself out there and turned to Facebook to ask a question but sheesh, a bit harsh

to me. Especially when I’m already feeling disappointed with a negative. Some people were quite nice though, and helpful too. Apparently, blue ink dyes are less reliable and tend to have “evaporation lines” more frequently. Evaporation lines, to my understanding, are a false positive. I was also told that the first urine of the day would be the most accurate.

So that’s that. Nick and I went food shopping today (Sunday) and bought another pack of First Response with pink dye. We decided I would wait until Monday morning when Nick got up for work to take the test. So, we carried on with our day and food shopping. As we walked the aisles, all my energy drained from me. Like I physically could not stop yawning and every cell in my entire body just desired my bed. I grabbed a french vanilla coffee hoping that would help to kick this sudden wave of exhaustion.

Driving home from the grocery store, all I thought about was how many hours were left until I could take this test. Was Monday the right idea? Do I really have it in me to wait? When we got home, it was seriously the only thing I could think about. We put away the groceries and I sat on the couch contemplating my options. Finally, I said to Nick that maybe waiting for Monday wasn’t the best idea.

“What if it’s negative, then you go to work upset and I’m stuck at home upset. At least if that’s the outcome, we can support each other now if I take it today.”

At the end of the day, Nick wants to make me happy. I know he would have preferred me to wait but I couldn’t contain myself. So, he told me to do whatever I felt I needed to. I opened the new box, grabbed a test and went to the bathroom.

Negative.

Stone cold negative.

I was not pregnant.

There. Fine, that’s my answer then. It’s done, that’s that. Three negatives, it’s pretty clear that I wasn’t going to get the answer I wanted. I knew deep down I wasn’t pregnant, I just hoped that if I wished hard enough, it would come true. But that never seems to work.

“The world is not a wish-granting factory” -The Fault In Our Stars

No one warns you about this part. The obsession of test taking after losing a baby and hoping you may be pregnant again. Something just takes over you, it consumes you, it’s all that you can think about.

One thing I didn’t really take into consideration was Nick, how this was all affecting him. When it came to the miscarriage, I completely had his back. But now, with all this, all I thought about was myself. I wanted to know why my period was late, I couldn’t wait a week, even a full day to take a test. And I didn’t really seem to think how this was emotionally taking a toll on him. And that sucks.

So it’s over. I am done taking tests, I am done trying to convince my body that I’m pregnant and I am done crushing myself and Nick with every new negative.

We always have next month, right?