Validated.

Am I crazy?!

Somedays I really feel like I’m being overdramatic. I feel like I’m one of those people I make fun of –the generation with feelings. (Not saying having or expressing feelings is a bad thing but doesn’t it seem like people feel the need to feel some type of way over every.little.thing?!)

I feel stupid. I feel like this blog is stupid. I had a miscarriage. So what? Hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS of women have had them. Some even had multiple. I am not the first and I won’t be the last. So why on Earth am I so hyper-focused on it? I should just move on, shouldn’t I?

Then last night after dinner, my husband was cleaning up the kitchen, I grabbed my Corona and the laptop and came outside to type. After a few minutes, Nick came to sit with me and asked if he could show me a song. I saved what I wrote, closed the computer and gave my full attention to what my husband wanted to share with me.

And I cried.

Nick is able to focus his pain in productive ways, like work and college classes and exercise. And I am trying to follow his lead (well of course, you’re reading my way of being productive in grief). But sharing this song did two things for me;

1. It showed me that although we don’t always talk about it, Nick is grieving. He may not have insane emotional breakdowns on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night (guilty as charged), but he is grieving. He’s doing it in his own way and that is 100% okay.

1. I am not crazy. I am not stupid. My feelings are valid.

Now no matter how much my husband, my mother, my sister, my friends or a therapist tell me I am not crazy, I am not stupid, I am not overreacting, I will still feel like I am time to time. We as humans like to second guess ourselves and we are our own worst critics. Makes sense that I pick myself apart about the way I grieve.

But this band, I grew up listening to them. Ocean Avenue was the song of the summer back in middle school. And now my husband is playing me a song about how 10 years ago when the singer was 22, his girlfriend had a miscarriage. He is now 32, his baby would have been 10 years old and he is still grieving. 10 years later, it still hurts. He thinks about what their lives would have been like. Sharing his love for Star Wars and listening to his child brag to their friends that he’s a cool dad. He is still grieving. I am not crazy, I am not stupid.

I needed this. My husband didn’t know how badly I needed this. It’s scary to think that 10 years down the line I will still be feeling this hurt, but it’s so helpful right now to know that grieving this loss is absolutely okay, and normal, and I am not crazy, I am not stupid.

A song validated me.

When I am sad, when I am crying, when I am explaining how I feel, when I am completely losing my shit, all I need is to be validated. I need to be told its okay to be feeling the way that I am.

I mean, isn’t that what we need anyway? To be heard? To be listened to? And to be told, “You have every right to feel that that way?” Sometimes you just need to hear, “Yes. This sucks. Today sucks, right now sucks, this whole situation sucks. But we have tomorrow and we can make tomorrow better.”

Let’s validate each other. Who knew it had so much power? I didn’t before but I sure as shit do now.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, whatever you are going through – it sucks. I am sorry you have to deal with this. You are 100% allowed to feel this way. Whether you are mad, sad, envious, exhausted, annoyed, outraged, confused, or even happy, excited, cheerful, content …if you’re a mixture of these or you’re feeling something I didn’t mention, it is okay to be feeling this way. Take it in, understand why you are feeling this way and know no matter how alone you feel, we are here for you. There are people who love you, care about you and they are here. Maybe you think they won’t understand, maybe they won’t. Maybe you think they don’t want to be bothered, if they love you, you could never bother them. But people are here to listen. Talk about it. Let someone in, it helps. And however you are feeling, it is okay to feel that way. In time, it will get better. It’s going to be okay. But most of all, your feelings are valid.